Volunteers and trains

First of all, apologies for not updating sooner. I usually do it from work but last night the internet was down all night. Yes, at a library. All night. I think the staff were angrier than the patrons... anyway...

I would just like to say - hurrah for the end of the Commonwealth Games! At least I can get a seat on the train (sometimes), instead of being elbowed out of the way by some blue-shirted volunteer. So it was with great relief that I boarded the train yesterday expecting a quiet journey into work. Instead, I was confronted with the horrifying sight of an entire carriage of blue people all smugly taking up the seats. Of course, I thought, it's the day after the end of the Games, so there's probably some thankyou thing on in the city (which I'm sure most people know but I don't really pay attention to those things). But again today there were blue shirted people on the train! And they still have the same smug attitudes despite not really being volunteers anymore. I think it's time to give it a rest. I never felt they were special, and while those blue shirts are...blue, they're not that flattering. So my advice is, if you see a blue-shirted volunteer, you have two options. 1. Scream in their face that the games are over and you weren't that special or 2. Burn their blue shirt (while they are wearing it) to fully bring home the point that the games are over.

Serial Killer Train Voice

Usually, I catch the friendly Connex-owned Belgrave/Lilydale line. But sometimes I catch the Sandringham line, and soon I think I will permanently be on the Sandringham line (or tramming to work insead - the horror!). The Sandringham line, while currently owned by Connex, used to be part of the M> Train network, and there's one big difference between the Connex trains and the former M> Trains. Both trains have announcements which give the next stop and if you need to change to swap lines or whatever. The Connex computer voice is nice (female), friendly, and has an Australian accent without sounding like a bogan. The M> Train voice sounds like it wants to kill you.

It's not just the low tones of this (female) voice. It's not just the fact that it sounds more like a computer than the Connex one does. It might be a combination of these things but the scariest thing is that it has a pseudo-English accent and speaks almost in a monotone. Think Hal, but female and English and you get the general idea. I am fully expecting one day for it to say "Now approaching Richmond station. No one is getting off. I cannot allow that to happen" and then the train driver will get pushed off the train and we'll go on a merry ride somewhere with the crazy computer in charge. The strange thing is that Connex has left this voice on the new trains too, where the better speakers mean you really think that the end is nigh. I'm all for computers to express their personality but the combination of serial killer computer and that it's on a train makes me a little uneasy. If I suddenly go missing, at least you'll know what's happened to me.

Too good to be true

Inside the (female) toilets at Melbourne Central (the ones just outside the station), the sharps containers are apparently serviced by a company called Sweeny Todd. You can't make this stuff up!

Meanwhile, in the fine tradition of crazy people are attracted to me, I was approached by two Mormons while trying to eat my lunch today. They wouldn't leave me alone! I told them I had seen the Mormon temple in Washington DC and that it was one of the scariest things I had ever seen. The sad thing was, I wasn't lying to them to make them go away. It is one of the scariest things I have ever seen. Luckily a homeless guy latched onto them so they went away with him. I don't know who I felt sorrier for, the Mormons or the homeless guy!

Eerily Accurate

Upon taking the test "What Kind of Postmodernist Are You?"



You are a Revisionist Historian. You are the Clark Kent of postmodernists. You probably want to work in a library or in social services. No one suspects you of being a postmodernist... until they read your publications!

TV Ads I hate

There are 2 very similar ads on TV at the moment, which use the same form, same voiceover and same language. Really, I think different states should talk to each other before embarking on such similar ad campaigns. One of these ads is for Western Australia, the other for the Ghan train trip. Both ads talk about the "real Australia", show various images and encourage us to get back to our roots, as it were. As a side note, let me just say that neither of these ads appeal to me. I have no interest on sitting on a train for days and days and looking out my window and seeing...well, nothing really. Train trips are not as glamourous or as fun as they're trying to make out. And as for Western Australia, I don't have anything against it, but nor do I have any kind of pressing desire to get anywhere near it.

But what I really wanted to talk about was the voice overs used for these ads. That gravelly, blokey "real Australia" with broad aussie accent with hint of actor's training in there. While I'm happy that at least a couple of aussie blokes are getting steady voice over work, it's rather sad that our ads haven't changed at all in the last 20 years at least. Of course, the master of the aussie bloke voice was the guy who voiced the VB ads for all those years (you know the one: "You can get it shootin'/you can get it rootin'/you can get it groping a cow/Matter of fact, I've got it now!" or something similar...). He was such a master that after he died in the late 80s, they kept using his voice, first from snippets and offcuts and later through digital means.

My point is, why can't Australian tourism people think up better ads?! Especially if you are appealing to a national audience. Although I'm sure it says something about our current national psyche if these are the ads which appeal. So next time you see these ads, marvel at the vocal skils required to produce such a challenging accent! Cheer the marketing gurus who thought these campaigns! But please, spare a thought for the original VB man and his genius.

Preparation for the Commonwealth Games

The government's preparation for the Commonwealth Games leaves me in disbelief. I realise I'm not the only one to mention this, but when the official government advice for using public transport during the games is, well, not to use it, I think we have some problems. For those not in the know, the official government advice is to avoid travelling in peak hour to and from the city, so, you know, ask your boss if you can work from home or change your working hours. This is insanity! I hope the government is giving all its employees time off during the games (maybe that's how they're going to fill all the empty seats during the Opening Ceremony), but certainly my employeer is not so generous. Something about having to have a library open at reasonable hours, so people can use it....or something... Apparently it's also going to be a law during the games that you can't loiter on the steps of Flinders St station (to allow more people to stream out of the station and straight into their games venues...) - so I gues the goths will have to find a new temporary home.

Meanwhile, to allow the ridiculous baton to do its thing (whatever that is...), they have already started blocking roads off in all areas. Their advice - don't drive, take public transport instead! Sheer insanity.

While it would be very nice to be able to work from home, and not move out of my house for the next two or so weeks, it would be even nicer if they conceded that Melbourne's public transport system is not up to scratch, and could do with an overhaul. It would have been nicer if it had received an overhaul in time for the games. As it is, I will be squished onto a train next week, with millions of other people, not filled with uplifting joy of seeing my favourite athlete participate in an obscure sport, but instead filled with murderous rage at having to share my already overcrowded morning train with even more people, on my way to regular employment.

A Sorry State of Affairs

I do despair a little (well, a lot), when a lecturer in my library course says libAIRian instead of libRarian, and put's her apostrophe's in the wrong place on assignment's. Doesn't a PhD mean anything anymore?

Keeping fit, the best way I know how

I've tried many types of exercise over the years. Keeping fit, and the process of exercising, isn't one that appeals to me in any way. So I have tried swimming (my favourite), bike riding, running, walking, and so on. The gym is out of the question, I'm afraid. I think I am politically opposed to gyms.

Luckily for me, then, that I've just returned to my best, and most effective, form of exercise: the mad sprint n the morning to the train station so you're not late for work. I had a particularly fast walk this morning - a walk that normally takes 20-25 minutes took me about 12. You could view this as a shocking indictment about how late I run in the mornings. I prefer to see it as my fitness level improving so I can do this walk in 12 minutes without dying along the way!

This form of fitness has the added bonus (at least for me) that I can be excruciatingly self-righteous towards people who do no exercise without having to make that much of an effort myself to actually "get fit". Best of both worlds, really.